Balance

The task for today was to clear out a room (or space or cupboard) and give away the things you cleared. Of course I didn't quite achieve this! I did plan how I am going to tidy my dining room and what I'll do the the things currently in it!!
I also made more preserves, apple and rosemary jelly today. This means I've cleared out my jar store and I will be giving away all the preserves I've made as Christmas gifts.
The rest of the day was spent reading in preparation for college tonight where we looked at 1 Corinthians and 2 Corinthians- Interpreting scripture doesn't come easy to me, especially in a classroom environment. Part of what we looked at tonight concerned getting hung up on details rather than concentrating on the bigger picture of God's universal love. We get hung up on the rules, losing sight of what really counts.
I get hung up on the details when it comes to my training rather than the bigger picture of "formation" into (hopefully) a priest. I worry I'm not getting it "right" but then I feel that way about most areas of my life. I want to be the best version of myself, the person God sees I can be, but a big part of that is to do with balance and finding the right balance probably takes a lifetime to learn.

Post BAP blues

I was up until one o'clock this morning reading other peoples BAP blogs, and continuing to over analyse my experiences. When I mentioned this to Mikey he asked if I'd written a blog about the BAP, and that it might help...so here goes.
The BAP, or Bishop's Advisory Panel, is a Church of England ministry selection conference where folks who've been exploring a calling to ordained ministry go for the final assessment on whether they are ready to start training. It's a two and a bit day residential retreat. Folks who get to this stage may have been exploring their calling for years and have seen all sorts of advisers within their own diocese. The minimum amount of time folks have been in the system is twelve months, at a push.
For me it was as follows: at the start of last year, after over a year of talking to Vicky at St Michael's, she supported my application to explore ordained ministry with the DDO (diocesan director of ordinands), in my case the assistant DDO Angie. I met with Angie, wrote a written reflection for her, and she sent me off to see two vocations advisers- one a priest and one a lay person. They collaborated on a report about me. Angie was happy with this so I was asked to complete the extensive BAP application forms and see an examining chaplain, who is checking the conclusions the previous folks have come to.
This entire process took twelvish months and I was booked on a June BAP.
Before your panel, as well as the application forms, you are asked to write another reflection. This, along with your forms and reports, and four to five references (occupational, educational, lay & clergy) go to the three folks who'll be assessing you about six weeks in advance.
Basically they know a lot about you beforehand!

At the BAP you do a prepared presentation, after which you lead a discussion, you do a timed written Q&A about yourself, you write a letter on a complex pastoral issue and you are interviewed by each advisor (educational, vocational and pastoral). There's also fellowship and worship. There were sixteen candidates at my panel, split into two groups of eight. We were diverse in terms of age, gender, region, background and churchmanship but everyone I encountered was unique, interesting, faithful and supportive.

So...how'd it go? It's such a unique and intense experience and as yet I do not know the outcome (five to fourteen day wait, but as I meet with Angie on the 28th I'll know then if not before). It's hard to fully reflect without knowing the outcome.
Presentation: I used a traditional stand-behind-the-lecturn delivery, reading from my notes but trying to make eye contact and engage folks. Loosely I was steering the discussion towards the inclusivity of children in all aspects of worship. You have to summarise the discussion. I wasn't amazing at this but I was ok. I'd had the benefit, and downside, of experiencing everyone elses talks and discussion as drawing the eight of clubs card meant I was last to go!
You're also assessed on your contributions to everyone else's discussions. I struggled with this as my peers came across as so thoughtful, intelligent and considered. I felt unable to offer the intelligent insights they were offering up but I did contribute.

Pastoral exercise: we've been asked not to give away details of this as they reuse scenarios. We had to write a letter in a complex moral/ethical situation. I think the purpose was to demonstrate empathy and sensitivity, which I think I did ok.

Educational interview: my first and worst! There are nine selection criteria, the educational advisor is interested in Quality of Mind, Mission and Evangelism and Faith. This was incredibly challenging. Many of the questions were mission focused but I think I also managed to misquote scripture, forget important books I'd read and point out my shocking memory. Go Fi. I did manage to get across my view that a church which is inward looking is no church and our mission should be to find the need in the community around us.

The above, coupled with unfamiliar liturgies in worship meant I felt pretty mixed up by Tuesday night. I woke up about five am on Wednesday and decided my pastoral letter was done, emailing it off at six am.
To help myself settle into the second day of interviews I felt like I needed to do something 'normal', so I went out to the beautiful garden to say morning prayer, as I would at home. This seemed to do the trick.

Vocational meeting: this is considered the most important. It explores Vocation, ministry within the Church of England and Spirituality. I feel very secure in these three areas and believe this was my strongest interview. I felt able to communicate my very specific calling to workplace based ministry, my love of the Anglican church and what sustains me spiritually. When asked about challenges facing the church I felt my answers regarding equality of sexuality and gender were predictable but they are the ones foremost in my mind.
I felt absolutely elated after the interview and hugged everyone who stepped in my path!

Pastoral interview: this was my shortest but also very enjoyable. I have worried since that I may have come across as too confident, hopefully this wasn't the case. I felt very passionate and tried to emphasise my nursing vocation as one of service and sacrifice. Hopefully my passion didn't translate as arrogance. We focused on Relationships, Leadership & Collaboration and Personality & Character. The lovely adviser said the reason why the interview was a bit shorter was because my nursing career had informed her about a lot of pastoral issues. They also wish to know your abilities for coping with stress and if you've experienced personal difficulties. Here we spoke about the things I've experienced as a nurse and also the personal issues I believe God has helped me through such as Maureen's illness and death and Anna's gender reassignment. 

So there it is. I think I presented them with a reasonable picture of what I am and what I'm not. By now the decision is made, so whether they think my slightly unique calling to MSE is a valid one, and if so if I'm ready to train, all will have been revealed by this time next week.

Off to the BAP I go...

As my head is full of all sorts and everything with my BAP next week I thought I'd share my presentation with you:

I’ve chosen to talk about children’s spirituality in relation to the ministry of Wholeness and Healing and how my feelings about this have changed over the years.

Over the last 10 years we’ve developed a very strong Wholeness and Healing ministry in my parish. I joined the team as a new parent, mostly involved in children’s worship so it was lovely to do something ‘for the grown ups’. The services were quiet, prayerful and poorly attended. I would never have taken one of my children the service- they may disturb someone, and they were too little to understand. We decided to take the ministry to the heart of the congregation- Sunday Morning Holy Communion. It was slow to start but over the years the number of people who come forward to receive prayer, with laying on of hands, and anointing with oil has grown and grown, as has the understanding and acceptance of the ministry.

So where did the children fit into this? When I joined the team I had a baby daughter, my son followed 2 years later. When my daughter joined Sunday school she would go up for her blessing and then if it was a healing service she would come and stand with me where I was praying and laying on hands. After a while she wanted the prayer and anointing herself. Next time she brought a friend. Over time, we were getting more and more Sunday school children coming up. It felt very natural, and an indication of how well integrated the ministry is.
This seemed fine for a service where we’d usually expect children, but I didn’t take my children to other healing events or services.

I rethought my ideas after attending a healing Eucharist at Manchester Cathedral last year. I think that week we may have used up all our babysitting points with my parents, so after speaking with my friend, who’s a priest and was taking her own daughters with her, I decided, rather nervously, to take the children with me. There is after all the children’s corner at the cathedral. There was quite a number of children there, which made me more relaxed...but there was no children’s corner- everything was tidied away- the cathedral seemed to share my earlier view that this was just for the grown ups!

I started thinking- why had I, and clearly others, felt this ministry wasn’t for children? Jesus told the disciples: "Cure the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons." He never said “just the adults”, but he
did say “Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them” (Matthew 19:14, Luke 18:16). Jesus chose to perform one of his most amazing miracles- the raising from the dead of Jairus’ daughter- on a child.
Do we think it’s too complex? Or do we worry what their expectations may be- miraculous physical healings are, as we all know, rare.

My work as an oncology nurse reveals not only that children themselves are in need of physical healing but also how strongly they wish to intercede for sick loved ones. As a parent I have observed my children’s need to feel “whole”- I’ve often been through heart breaking sadness of holding a tearful child who just “feels sad for no reason”.
Dr Rebecca Nye (“Children’s Spirituality”) has written how our unintentional ‘dumbing down’ of practices may "unintentionally betray a lack of trust in God, in the Christian faith or in the children themselves. This damages the children’s trust, harming the future of our mission.

Is it simply my old worry that noisy children may upset or disturb adults? Giving and receiving the ministry is a very intimate experience and can raise powerful emotions.Those of us who’ve attended services with our children know the tutts and looks given when they are being less than angelic- and the embarrassment. God forbid they might disturb anyone suffering real emotional or physical pain.

If I go back to Jesus’ words from Luke “Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs.” Jesus himself tells us we have much to learn from our children. Also we read in Mark 9.47 “Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me welcomes not me but the one who sent me.”

Re-reading the “A Time to Heal” handbook children are briefly mentioned, but where they are it is in a
spirit of inclusivity. It’s taken as read that children are part of this ministry. Yes- quiet, contemplative services may not always be the best place to expose them to it, but we all need the Wholeness and Healing of an intimate and personal relationship with Jesus. When this ministry is part of the ‘norm’ of parish worship children will come, be a part of it and this will in turn, I hope, be part of their worship as they grow and have children of their own.

At the end of this month I’m going to talk to our new youth group and the ministry. I want them to know it’s
a ministry for them. It’s about praying for themselves, intercessing for others, and hoping that we can all achieve that wholeness of being that only comes from knowing God as a father, Jesus as a friend, and The Spirit as a constant companion.

How do you think children relate to this ministry and do you think there are other areas we, however unconsciously, feel are ‘adult only'?

All feedback, criticism and words of encouragement are welcome!