Mini Meltdown

Today it really hit me how unready I am in the practical sense for Christmas, and I'm not faring much better spiritually. Most of my relationship with God at the moment seems to centre around my ordination training which sometimes seems to leave little room for us to simply "be" in relationship together. I need to work hard to prevent this relationship from becoming an academic exercise, to seek a deeper connection and understanding though my assignments and essays.
Another work day today meant not considering my LLLA task until I got home, the task being to set a jar aside to collect loose change though Advent to give to charity. After this I wrote some prayers for tomorrow morning's service. The jar sitting beside me helped to focus my prayers towards who the marginalised are in my town and city and where Jesus might find himself here. So many of us are anticipating what a joy Christmas will be, but for many people this simply isn't the case.

One Year On

I've not blogged since Easter. Every time I think about it something else pops up and there doesn't seem to be time. I thought that over the summer I might find time to write but changes at work and a modicum of upheaval at home have meant summer has not been what I expected.
This time last year I was fretting over not finding time to complete the pre-course work book I'd been given. Now I'm fretting over the 3000 word assignment due in 5 weeks...and yet...so far, so okay.
I've officially completed my first year of ordination training- 1/3 of the way there. I've not failed anything, I've met every deadline but more importantly I feel as if I'm being formed into something.
So much has happened, I've learned so much (a stark reminder of how much I still don't know) and, perhaps most significantly, met an amazing group of people. When I think about the last 12 months my first thoughts are about people. There's the wider group of people; the Manchester readers and ordinands who meet on Thursday evenings at Luther King House and the 3 year groups of ordinands who meet for residential weekends. Then there's the smaller group, our little group of first years- although I guess we're penultimate years now! Just 8 of us to begin with, we grew to 9 after Christmas and now we're a 18! Over the months we've bonded and learned to trust each other, sharing in something so unique together.
In July we were all at Summer School, 7 days living together in community; sharing meals, worship and a classroom. It was a fantastic opportunity to get to know some of those in the year above, and meet new people on 1 or 2 year pathways.
At times it's been intense, especially at Christmas and Easter- intensely busy times in the secular world married together with the busiest times in family life and church life, now with the added joy of essays!! Yet...there's been no major meltdown and I don't think I've had more than a passing sniffle in almost 12 months.
Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at the world through new eyes, more keenly aware of myself and my actions, the joys in life and the struggles of others. I'm especially aware of how little I can do in terms of big changes needed in the world,  so am settling for the small ones. Kindness, fairness, compassion, justice, being an advocate when needed.
Yet...most of the time I'm still just...me. Sweary, easily distracted, irritatingly whimsical, a bit daft, unsure of myself and unsure how on earth I ended up training to be a priest. Maybe we need unholy, uneducated, whimsical priests with a short attention span. I'm sure God knows what he's doing.

The Next Step

As most of my friends and family will know by now, the outcome of my BAP was that I have been recommended for ordination training. As the bishop, and others, have been keen to point out, this is not a recommendation for the priesthood,  but to begin training for the priesthood. Nothing is set in stone until the bishop lays his hands on my head and says the magic words...which seems both a long way away and yet I'm sure, with everything that will happen in the next 3 years, will soon be upon us.
The next two months, besides the more obvious preparation and pre course learning, will probably be spent trying to explain what a Minister in Secular Employment, or MSE is. What follows is a transcript of an article I've written for the church magazine. More info can be found here:
http://www.chrism.org.uk/
http://www.manchester.anglican.org/resources-for-ministers/mse

"Many of you will have heard by now, either from myself, word of mouth, or Vicky, that I've been accepted for training in ordained ministry. What you might be unfamiliar with is the ministry for which I'm being prepared.
You may know me as Mike's wife, or Judith's daughter. Those of you with young families may know me as a worship leader at Peewits or Family Praise. I also coordinate the Wholeness and Healing Ministry Team and have been a member of PCC for many years. In the secular world I am a nursing sister at Christie Hospital, caring for patients who are undergoing high dose chemotherapy and stem cell transplants. For the last two years what I've been trying to discern is whether I also had a priestly calling alongside my vocation as a nurse.
Ministers in Secular Employment, or MSEs, exercise an ordained ministry primarily in their place of work. You continue to do your payed employment but alongside this you bring a priestly presence to your workplace, which can manifest itself in all manner of ways- it is very much a ministry of readiness, and of being a very public Christian.
The patients I care for are almost always nursed in isolation, due to weak immune systems leaving them very vulnerable to infection. Their hospital stays are usually for several weeks, or even months. Helping them to live out their spiritual lives in an environment which can impair their sense of 'self' is central to my ministry, but there is also the opportunity to care for their families and my colleagues. My training has been welcomed by both the ward and chaplaincy team at The Christie!
Whilst the role of MSE is primarily linked to your payed profession it is a dual ministry shared with your parish church. This means I eventually will, God willing, be licensed to serve as a priest here at St Michael's as well. The training is Part time, but (as the university prospectus keeps reminding me) not spare time! I will be expected to study for about 15 hours a week on top of one evening at university and working full time. I ask for your prayers and your patience, and to share in my journey over the next three years- and beyond! I would also ask you to keep Faith, Jacob and Mike in your prayers. Additional time apart will be tough for us all, but we as a family believe this is God's will for our lives, and whilst there may be hard work ahead it will also be a very big adventure. I hold very close to my heart the words from psalm 37, verses 23-24: "Our steps are made firm by the Lord, when he delights in our way; though we stumble, we shall not fall headlong, for the Lord holds us by the hand." "