Be More Peaceful

When I was at university Dermot Morgan, the actor who played Father Ted, died very suddenly. I was bereft, being obsessed with the show, so as soon as I could arrange it I hopped on a train from Liverpool to Bolton to go out, dance and get drunk with my best friend Lindsay.
Tonight I feel like doing the same thing, although it's Lindsay's husband I want to raise a glass with, for he like myself is a huge fan of Terry Pratchett. Today we learned the beyond sad news that Sir Terry had died, eight years after being diagnosed with early onset Altzheimer's disease.
At the age of 12 I was an avid library user, both parents being bibliophiles. My excitement upon turning 13 was immense because I could now access the young adult fiction. In particular I had been eyeing up a book I wanted to borrow as soon as I was old enough, mainly due to its cover artwork by Josh Kirby. The book was Equal Rites. It introduced me to Discworld, a place I have never left. Eventually I convinced my husband to join me there, and now my kids are coming along too- my daughter went to last week's World Book Day as Tiffany Aching.
Whilst I don't intend to leave Discworld anytime soon, the news of Sir Terry's death, a man of such genius imagination, leaves me just so ridiculously sad.
It has however had me reminiscing about my days spent in the library and how formative those years between 11 and 15 were. As well as Discworld I discovered my enduring love for Sean Bean, Hugh Laurie and Doc Martens. I also discovered one of my other true and eternal loves- like Terry I found him down the library. As well as access to the Discworld books at 13 I could borrow music. As with my book choices I often borrowed music based on the cover, which is probably how I ended up borrowing ChangesBowie, a David Bowie singles compilation, and I fell in love forever. As I drove home from college tonight I listened to that album rather loudly and the familiarity and comfort filled me with immense peace. Those songs still make me feel like I'm 13 again and I never grow weary of them.
It's interesting that most of the things I still love completely are from that time- will the things I'm purposefully doing now to aid my formation as a priest have as much influence on me? When I look back in 20 years what will have influenced me most as a Minister?

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Expect The Unexpected!

My farewell sermon to my placement church, St Matthew's Stretford, which I preached at yesterday's Epiphany service.

If you were told you were going to meet a very important person what would your expectations be? I must admit I’ve not met many VIPs but I got quite excited when I was little to hear that my dad had met the then prime minister, Margaret Thatcher, at the Royal Agricultural Show, and presented her with his latest book on Massey Fergusson tractors. I don’t know about Mrs Thatcher’s experiences of meeting my dad but I was very interested to hear what his experiences of meeting this important person were. His measured reply was “shorter than I expected”.
It’s true that we probably have our own ideas about what important people will be like, or should be like, and we probably have some very definite ideas about royalty, as did the wise men in our gospel reading.
They know the child has been born in Bethlehem but that’s not where they go to first. They enter Matthew’s narrative by turning up at the palace in Jerusalem, expecting that’s where the King of the Jews will now be, as that’s where he ought to be.
They don’t find a new born king in Jerusalem but Herod and with him the important temple officials. The dominant emotion their presence evokes there is fear. Kate talked about fear on Christmas day, how so many characters in the Christmas story experienced fear but overcame it to achieve The purpose God had for them, but that’s not what we see with Herod. In Herod we see what happens when fear is allowed to dominate.
Herod lived a life in the shadow of fear. It lead him to kill his wife whose unfaithfulness he feared, 3 of his sons who he feared would usurp him, and to call for the murder of innocent boys in an attempt to destroy the infant Jesus who he also feared threatened his position. Herod let fear dominate his actions and it lead to his downfall as he was tormented by taking the lives of those he had loved.
I wonder what the wise men knew of Herod and his reputation? Did they believe him when he said he wanted to pay homage to the child? Did they leave the palace in fear of what Herod might do to them if they didn’t return with the information he requested? And how, when they left, did they feel about not finding the King of the Jews in the king’s palace as they expected?
So they journey on to Bethlehem, still guided by the light of the star, and when they find Jesus what they experience is an outpouring of joy. They fall to their knees and worship Jesus as the king they’ve searched for. They don’t question his humble surroundings in a small town. They didn’t find the King of the Jews in the Jerusalem palace but a more modest dwelling. Although it wasn’t what they expected there’s no hesitation.
Whatever their motivation for travelling so far to honour this king they now must surely realise this is a king like no other. They’ve experienced 2 kings- Herod in his Palace surrounded by fear, and Jesus in lowlier circumstances, surrounded by love, a love that must radiate out so completely to convince these men of wisdom that this is the king they’ve searched for, despite their expectations.
I think that like the wise men what we expect of Jesus and what we experience of Him can be very surprising. We might expect to experience him in church, but I find him frequently in the hospital rooms of frightened cancer patients. We might expect to find him in our fellow Christians, but I often see him working through my friends who claim to have no faith.
If you were to think about your week, or about your experiences over Christmas, where have you seen Jesus at work? Where have you been surprised to see him? How has he altered or changed your expectations of who he is or where he is?
I think the key to knowing where Jesus is, like in the gospel reading, is to look to where the love is- to put our expectations aside and live to simply experience Jesus as he is, not how we would wish him to be; wherever he might be, whoever he’s working through. If we open our hearts to the endless love and possibilities that God offers us, our God who exceeds any expectations we may have, we may find that we can experience him in all places and in all people.

Celebrate!

Keeping it brief tonight as I'm sure everyone is busy celebrating in their own way and tradition. For us that meant getting up with the kids to open presents, going to the Christmas day communion service and then coming back home for lunch with Mike's dad and my Anna.We worshipped God and then shared fellowship with those we love.
I've written about carols a few times but to explain why and what I'm celebrating this is my favourite verse from any carol and actually makes me cry when I sing it:

Mine are riches, from your poverty,
From your innocence eternity;
Mine forgiveness by your death for me,
Child of sorrow for my joy.

Thank you for reading, for your lovely comments and for living Advent with me. I wish you a joyous Christmas season and a fruitful year ahead.

Fi x

So thankful

I'm leaving for midnight mass in a few minutes so taking the time to contemplate the good things in my life. I have so much to be grateful for, I am lucky is so many ways and even the difficulties I'm experiencing are either transient or manageable.
God is so generous, so gracious and his love is reflected in those with whom I share my life.

Memories

I wasn't in a position to chat to an older person today about their experiences of Christmas so I've been trying to share my own experiences with my children. They enjoy hearing what's similar and what has changed to form our own family traditions.
One thing that has become a 'norm' that would have been alien to me as a child is my working over Christmas - my husband too as he's on call. It's something we accept and try to fit our family and church celebrations around. This year I have an unprecedented five days off and I'm doing my best to treasure it. Having the whole of Christmas eve and Christmas day with my family is a gift, and I don't know when it will happen again.
For many people working at Christmas is still alien so I would ask you to spare a thought and a prayer for those who must work.

He gives strength to the weary

Dog walks are a really good time for me to reflect and pray; it's just me and Lucy the beagle and I find it easier to focus than most other places.
This evening I was reflecting upon the things I'm not happy with and want to put before God before Christmas. It's been one of my most difficult years for quite some time due to home and work circumstances, and this coupled with ordination training has meant there's been times I didn't know how I could continue with the stress and anxiety each part of my life was causing.
Of course those were the times I was trying to do it all on my own, forgetting or neglecting that it's only in God's strength that I can achieve any of it. This is the thing I'm most regretful of because all the times I've failed, got things wrong or been a bit (or lot) horrible has been when I've not remembered who and what my strength comes from.

Room in my heart for thee

Working nights this weekend has made going for a walk a bit difficult so I'm going to concentrate on the prayer, I think there's two separate things going on in it.
Firstly there's the patience, and sometimes Advent feels like one big exercise in patience. We want the light, the joy and the sparkle but Christians have to earn it by taking time to do the second thing- make room in our hearts for Jesus.
With my recent assignment I've spent quite a lot of time contemplating the incarnation and what it means. For me it's a revelation of God's character, which is pure love. God with us, not in the grandeur we read of in the Old Testament - a presence so holy it can't even be looked upon. This God can be held, burped and swaddled. He can no doubt keep his parents up all night too! The same God who created all that is and all that will be is born amongst us helpless and vulnerable. I have more than enough room in my heart for that.

Let your light shine

I've already written about darkness this week - when you have faith, to me, there is no differenciation between light and dark. God is there in both, as is the case when things are good or bad. But the light imagery in the bible is beautiful and also a wonderful way of relating how God works and who Jesus is. It also, as in Matthew 5:16, teaches us about ourselves. In a candle flame, in the white, orange and yellow, we see our potential to be lights shining out by the things we do. All we do should point to God, not because we believe we can earn his love (as we have this no matter what), but because our love and trust in God should lead us to behave in a way that honours him by seeing him reflected in those around us. Our light should help us see others as God sees them, and therefore guide our actions to be as loving as God would wish them to be.

Ripples

I love Christmas films- I'm a sentimental old thing. I love scrooged, Albert Finney's sing-a-long scrooge in A Christmas Carol, Muppet Christmas Carol, Miracle on 34th Street, Santa Claus the Movie, White Christmas and so many more, but none so much as It's A Wonderful Life. George Bailey, thinking his life has gone very wrong, is given the opportunity, by Clarence the angel, to see how other people's lives would have turned out without him. Turns out George made a lot of difference to a lot of people.
We probably don't really think about the ripples our life makes in the lives of others. Even though we are trying to live "good" lives we may not notice how our lives affect and touch those of others. I hope to live a life that reveals goodness in the world, reflects God and creates the kind of ripple that matters.

Mmmm....cake

The first blog post I wrote was about cake baking ministry- baking and sharing cake for the sole reason that it brings joy to others. Another 12 hour shift today so I've not been able to bake but we did have some good sharing moments with treats given to us by patients.
The generosity of present and former patients is overwhelming at this time of year as we're inundated by treats- even some really delicious home baking. It often serves as a poignant reminder of the good we do- knowing there are folk that are out there enjoying their lives because of the work our team does is pretty wonderful.

Darkness is not dark to you

"Even the darkness is not dark to you
   the night is as bright as the day
   for darkness is as light to you"
(Psalm 139:12)

When I was very young I was, like many children, scared of the dark. My parents had to go to bed with the landing light on for years. When I became a teenager I liked the dark- I could hide in the dark, it was comforting.
I still find the dark comforting and not scary. Sometimes the darkness makes it easier to focus on God- I close my eyes to pray or listen to someone reading scripture. But in the bible light and dark imagery are used to symbolise good and evil or God and evil. That's why I've chosen the above verse- in the light or in the dark God is always with us.
Despite being "the true light which enlightens everyone" He can be hidden or eclipsed by the bright lights and sparkle of Christmas, or found in the darkest corner. Whether acknowledged or not, He is there.

Time

I would so love to be able to complete today's task, but I'm too busy! It feels like an excuse, but I'm spread so thinly I don't know how I could even begin to think about sparing time.
Today I took the children to school, wrote a 1500 word essay, took part in the work Christmas quiz (ok, that was a lot of fun) and wrote prayers for tomorrow morning's service. That's a pretty normal day!
I've written before about being "time poor" and not feeling like we're giving enough time to certain things or people can result in a lot of guilt. We're just trying our best, and God knows that.

Love came down at Christmas

Pondering what Christmas means to me is quite an interesting undertaking as after getting home late I've just been reading up on "incarnation theology" ready for finishing my Christmas carol assignment tomorrow. Right now, with an academic head on, Christmas means the mystery of the incarnation, of God made flesh. With my nostalgic head on, it means family, children, togetherness, music and feasting, but the reason for all this is Jesus, and the reason why Jesus was born is love. Christmas means love.

Prayer

What would I pray for the world? For patience, for gentleness, for empathy and for resilience.
Amen.

To everything there is a season

Short one tonight.
Thinking about planting bulbs has me reflecting upon Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To everything there is a season,
And a time to every purpose under the heaven.
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck
that which is planted;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and time of peace.

Amen.

Rejoice! Rejoice!

How wonderful to have a task centred around carols when that's all I've thought about this week!
We each have our favourite- by husband loves Silent Night, My daughter Ring Christmas Bells and my son We Three Kings. Each have some great words and bits of theology in them. My favourite part of those three is from We Three Kings:
"Glorious now behold Him arise
King and God and sacrifice"
Although from Silent Night:
"With the dawn of redeeming grace" 
is pretty good.
My favourites are Angels From The Realms of Glory and O Come O Come Emmanuel.
I love the joyfulness of Angels but there's good stuff in the words too:
"Ye who sang creations story now proclaim Messiah's birth" reminds me of Jesus' presence at the beginning of creation and
"Watching long in hope and fear" links rather nicely with O Come O Come Emmanuel, which reflects the longing of a people to be restored and redeemed.
Carols are so evocative and we don't always pay attention to the words as they are so familiar, we sometimes sing them without thinking what we're singing. I can't help but be rankled by Once in Royal David's City's:
"Christian children all must be
Mild, obedient, good as he."
What a horrible bit of propaganda!
It's good to re familiarise ourselves with the words, and think "is this what I believe?" If the answer is yes then we can sing up even louder, with confidence and joy.

"Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee o Israel."

Be Doers

I was able to do today's task- which makes me really happy! I had a look in my Christmas craft bag, and with some wooden nativity embellishments, gold paint, luggage tags and red ribbon I've made Christmas decorations. I intend to take them to work tomorrow.
At college this evening we discussed James' letter to the Hebrew church, which is an interesting little book of the bible. James is traditionally believed to be Jesus' brother and as such someone who knew him and his teachings really well.
Far superior theologians than me have argued this through the centuries but James seems to say that faith isn't enough- you need to go out and do stuff. Help people- especially the vulnerable. I'm not going to go into the theology of it all but I believe our faith in Jesus should make us want to go out and do the good stuff. If we're following His teachings and the spirit is within us we should be doers.

Feed the birds

How many interesting new ways can I find to say I failed at today's task? It's been another challenging day and I'm pretty late getting home. I have a 13 page chapter to read tonight so I can concentrate on my assignment tomorrow. So many things in my life are telling me Christmas will soon be here but am I ready to receive it? There's so much competition for my time that I'm trying to deal with things one day at a time, I can't cope any other way.
My assignment is about theology in Christmas carols, which has made me notice a lot of stuff I haven't before. I was never a fan of O Holy Night until I read the words, particularly:
" He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger".
So even in my worst weeks, when I've pushed God aside and am trying to do all this in my own strength, God knows the worst of me as well as my best and he wants me anyway. That's pretty remarkable.

Gift

Today has been a hectic work day with so little time to focus anything outside of what was immediately happening - it's a sort of extreme form of mindfulness! Some days you can't think about what comes next, only what you're doing at that moment. Any thoughts of it being Christmas soon evaporate and it's easy not to include God in my day.
I didn't get chance to look at today's task until really late so sadly no one received an unexpected gift from me. I did give a hug where it was really needed, and time which I didn't have when someone really needed to speak and share. I think that means as much.

Small things

I felt a little cynical when I read today's task. It may not be a work day but there was so much to do that the thought of taking time out to do something I want to do, rather than something I have to do, felt totally unattainable. This made me ponder upon the fact that I'm very rarely doing anything just for the joy of it. I love my life, job, family and friends but there is very little space at the moment to just enjoy life.
Thinking about things that have made me happy recently reminded me that only yesterday I had some quality family time. It was the first Sunday all four of us have been together in church since I started my placement (except for my children's 1st communion last week). We did a bit of shopping and grabbed a sandwich afterwards before returning to church for a carol service. We all curled up together in the evening.
I did do something I wanted to do today- I wrote some Christmas cards! It might not sound like most people's idea of fun but having had no idea when I would fit it in it made me happy to finally do some.
I think I'm pretty good at finding happiness in the small things.