Tuesday 31 December 2013

He will bring us goodness and light

New Year's Eve harnesses so many possibilities- reflecting upon what has been and what might be, wiping the slate clean, planning change. It can cause us to make promises we will not keep or be the catalyst to drawing a line under a painful year and moving on.
For me this new year's eve is just about quality time with my family. This year has had it's ups and downs- my husband's ill health and being accepted as an ordinand. It has brought new challenges and I've learnt an awful lot about myself.
I don't know what the year ahead will hold- a lot of hard work I'm sure- but I won't put too much pressure on myself as I continue to try and balance family, work and ministry.

Monday 30 December 2013

Bring God's glory to the heart of man

Something that really hits me at this point between Christmas and new year, when many people are back in work for a few days, is the belief that Christmas is done with- all over for another year.
The joy of celebration should encourage us to keep on celebrating as long as we can! In the church there are so many times to be solemn, and so much 'ordinary time' that I love having this joyous time- yes 12 days from Christmas day to Epiphany- but also 40 days from Christmas to Candlemas, which is basically the first week in February. Lent will be here soon enough, abstinence will be on our minds, so eat, drink, feast, celebrate, make merry!! Enjoy Christmas to it's fullest!
I think the problem is- stop me if you've heard this one before- we celebrate too soon. Advent isn't Christmas. My Christmas celebrations kick off on Christmas eve, so I'm not sick of it by the 30th- I've only just started.
Many people find January a miserable slump following the festive period- no chance of that in our house- with 2 major birthdays before we hit twelfth night, then my daughter's birthday on the 11th Jan and mine on the 19th we have multiple opportunities to keep celebrating throughout the extended festive season. Even without these added celebrations, Jesus alone is worth the continued festivities.

Sunday 29 December 2013

Saturday 28 December 2013

What I can I give him

I returned to work today after two lovely days with my family. I went with a heavy heart, knowing that with my shift pattern I won't be spending any real time with my family until New Year's Eve on Tuesday. When I got to work I was reminded of something- I love my job. I love it and I feel privileged to do it. It's not easy, in fact in can be incredibly tough, but I honestly don't think I'd really rather be doing anything else. So, today, I want to celebrate doing a job I love.

Friday 27 December 2013

And to the earth be peace

The post Christmas tiredness has really kicked in today! I was awake really early, and just when I thought I might get back to sleep the kids were awake (the boy and his cousin being rather vocal, the girl playing music on her new iPod).
We then headed off with my brother to MOSI, meeting my cousins there. It was tremendous to see all the children, but by the time I got home I was ready for a power nap!
Today I'm celebrating how lucky I am. I have a great family, loving & generous friends, a house, car, good job and I live in a country that is politically stable, relatively corruption free and isn't subject to massively unstable weather. Watching and reading the news at the moment I feel hugely inadequate and rather guilty. The events in South Sudan, CAR, Syria and Iraq serve as a reminder of my comfortable and safe life. The percentage of us in the world living safe happy lives is greatly outnumbered by those who aren't.  We are so lucky, and I thank God for that. I also ask him what I can do to help those who aren't so lucky. 

Thursday 26 December 2013

O come to us, abide with us.

One thing I want to get across with my festive blog is that my Advent was preparation for, not celebration of, Christmas. I didn't really start to celebrate until midnight mass. The other thing I want to remind people of is that Christmas is not over now it's the 26th of December- it's only just begun. I want to celebrate- for days!! Each day until Epiphany I want to share in what way I've celebrated that day. If I was super keen I'd blog the 40 days up until Candlemas, because Christmas isn't over until then!
Boxing Day is the biggest day in our house- my mum returns from my brother's, with my Bro and his family in tow. Our other parents also join us, we have another feast and exchange gifts. It's a day I've managed to avoid working throughout my career- quite a feat, but I do my fair share elsewhere.
I have to admit that Jesus has been a little out of mind today, after 4 days of spending more time at church than home!  My plan is to spend a few quiet moments in prayer now, before I go to sleep, just being really thankful for all the ways in which I am blessed.

Wednesday 25 December 2013

Tidings of comfort and joy

There's several things that have brought me joy today and are worth celebrating this Christmas. Firstly my church family- the joy at Midnight Mass, and in church this morning,  was an utter delight.
Next my work family- 4 of the girls worked a nearly 14 hour day today,  making me feel like a proper slacker on a 4-9!
I also want to celebrate our patients- what an amazing group of people they are.
Finally, and most importantly, I want to celebrate the joy I find in my family. To sum it up here's the message my daughter wrote on her brother's white board this morning:
"To mummy & daddy, If there is one thing we want to snuggle and cuddle it is our family. So let peace and love abide here."

Amen to that.

Tuesday 24 December 2013

There is room in my heart for thee

"O come to my heart Lord Jesus, there is room in my heart for thee"

Christingles done, stockings hung, kids in bed, veg prepared, soup made.
These things, of course, are not necessary to welcome Jesus. He just wants us, just as we are.
See you after midnight mass.

Monday 23 December 2013

All is calm

" Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright"

I'd be lying if I said there hadn't been a few wobbles in the last few days- tiredness, busyness and a bit of childcare stress has all weighed a little heavy on me...and yet, relatively, all is calm.
The first Christingle went well yesterday, then there was the joy of watching my daughter sing with the choir.
The 9 Lessons and Carols service was deeply moving, I was a little teary during the final gospel reading and prayers.
Today I got quite emotional whilst reading this to my husband:
http://agirlcalledjack.com/2013/12/23/love-at-christmas-by-sharon-jaynes/
- knowing I do sometimes send the kids away because I'm cooking, or stress that my house or, basically, I myself am not good enough. Good enough for what I don't know, because all that matters is that we have love, room in our hearts for each other and room in our hearts for Jesus.
I'm almost ready for him.

Sunday 22 December 2013

Descend to us we pray

No proper blog tonight as it's Sunday- even though it's nearly the big day!
So proud of my daughter and all the St Michael's children singing in the choir at tonight's 9 Lessons & Carols concert. 

The church looked beautiful. 

Saturday 21 December 2013

Do not falter

"Do not falter, little donkey, there’s a star ahead. It will guide you, little donkey, to a cattle shed."

Little Donkey is absolutely, positively my most favourite childhood carol. It's the ultimate carol of perseverance- surely everyone that hears it can relate to the little donkey's tale and picture him plodding onwards.
We're so close to Christmas now- it's almost here, the excitement and anticipation (and anxiety and stress!) Will soon pass. I'm ever so tired today and just want to enjoy some time with my family, but like that little donkey I'm plodding onwards.

Friday 20 December 2013

With the poor, and mean, and lowly

" With the poor, and mean, and lowly,Lived on earth our Saviour holy."

I've had a rather productive day- first day in a long time that's solely been dedicated to tidying and cleaning, then this evening we've attended a Christmas gathering that the new Bishop of Manchester hosted for all Manchester ordinands- all of my year (all five of us!) were there and it was lovely to meet other halves.

The bishop said grace before we ate and part of that prayer was for those who are without the good things we have, and like the words from Once in Royal David's city, a timely reminder that Jesus wasn't born to be a remote ruler, locked in his palace. He was born poor and spent his life ministering to those on the margins of society- the poor, mean, lowly- the broken, rejected and abandoned.

Thursday 19 December 2013

I have no gift to bring

"I have no gift to bring...that's fit to give our king"

I think it's maybe about this time in Advent that I can feel at my most inadequate. Friends put photos on Facebook of their lovely clean, tidy and Christmasified houses, wherever you go you're asked if you're "all ready" and lovely cards come through the door each day.
I don't feel that way as much this year, I'm just accepting that there's things I can't achieve. Of course I wish I were able to do certain things, but I would need to be super human!
When I don't achieve the things I feel I should, when I feel let down by my own shortcomings, I do wonder why on earth God wants me, what do I have to offer? Maybe part of it is simply the willingness to do what he asks of me, and that includes sacrificing what some might think of as a "normal" Christmas, although as a nurse that's not new!
This year as well as working on Christmas day I'll be spending more time than ever in church, and my family may feel they're last on the list again. I hope I can find the right balance, and if not I hope I'm forgiven!

Wednesday 18 December 2013

Come and worship

"Come and worship, Come and worship,Worship Christ, the newborn King!"

With only a week to go until Christmas day I've decided to reflect a little upon my favourite Christmas carols. Anyone who has worked a shift with me over the past 3 weeks will know how much I love Christmas music!
The lyric at the top of the post is from Angels from the Realms of Glory which I think is beautiful, joyful and calls us all to worship Christ our king. It's really upbeat and just what I needed to cheer me up this afternoon- I felt tired, achey and just a bit broken today, but a few hours at work (I love my job- the patients are just so tremendous) and a few carols helped me to find my mojo again.
I've got 2 days at home now to tidy, clean and Christmasify our home, so hoping my energy levels stay up! A lovely Christmas lunch with my colleagues tomorrow might help!

Tuesday 17 December 2013

Get up and do not be afraid

I learned something very interesting from Vicky's sermon last Sunday- in the Bible the words "do not be afraid" appear 365 times, once for every day of the year- how amazing is that?!
There's so many things that we fear it can really get in the way of living the abundant life Jesus wishes us to.
By this stage in Advent I've usually lost the plot completely- overwhelmed by anxiety preparing gifts, shopping, baking, cleaning. Despite fearing that my wobble was coming last week and being busier than ever I feel relatively chilled out. There's a small undercurrent of anxiety- not many cards written, no decorations up and the house is a mess- but it's all manageable. Whatever I can do will be done, and what I can't...well those who love me will understand, and after all I'm trying to emphasise that those superficial things aren't at the heart of Christmas. Maybe that's why I'm so calm- for once I can only focus on Jesus as I've no time for anything else!

Monday 16 December 2013

But who do you say I am?

We all know the Christmas story, baby Jesus born in a stable, and what a fantastic story it is. To many it remains that- just a story, or Jesus remains that innocent baby- or grows up the be the peaceful "anglo-saxon hippie" as Eddie Izzard called him.
To those, like me, who identify as a Christian, we know that the saviour we are waiting for isn't the innocent baby, or the gentle man, but he's so much more. At times Jesus was far from peaceful- angry, tormented, exasperated. This is the Jesus I want- who challenges me, causes me to examine myself, and leaves me with no choice but to follow wherever he leads me.

Sunday 15 December 2013

10 days to go...

Sundays off blogging, so here's something adorable instead...

Saturday 14 December 2013

Strengthen the weak hands and make firm the feeble knees.

I was so tired when my alarm went off this morning that I didn't know how I would get through nearly 14 hours at work, but get through it I did and came home feeling like I'd done a good job. I found reserves where I didn't think there were any.
Getting ready for Christmas can be like that- the thought of all that needs to be done can be so overwhelming, but then I find myself in the middle of it, coping...then it's all over and I feel like in the circumstances I've done ok.
Yet coping and getting through it doesn't somehow fit with what I want from Christmas this year. I want to encounter God, through experiencing the incarnation of his son- to meet my Lord in helpless human form. This can seem like an impossible task but I think the key might be simplicity. We've made Christmas so big, so complicated and invested so much in this one day. I want to strip it back to the simplicity of sharing love with my family and friends and taking time to worship God.

Friday 13 December 2013

In the day of my distress I will call upon you

"In the day of my distress I will call upon you, for you will answer me".
Psalm 86:7

So this time yesterday I thought I was headed straight into my pre-Christmas wobble, but it seems not. Today I spent quality time with my husband- a rare treat, and one that I think has done both of us good. With work, the kids, my training, Mike soon to start ALM training and then Christmas preparations it's incredibly easy to neglect each other. Spending time together, away from the children and away from home is important, as is family time.
I've been willing to give up so much of myself to God, and to my job, that the family can sometimes feel like they're third best. Balance can be hard to find. I'm so lucky that my family understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, and incredibly blessed to have their love and support.

Thursday 12 December 2013

He has delivered me out of all my trouble

It was my last night at college for 3 weeks tonight and I think I'll be grateful for the break! My assignment is pretty much done, and I'm tired. My Advent meltdown still hasn't arrived, but it's looming- starting the feel the pressure of needing to write cards, tidy the house, put up decorations and make Christmas treats.
I need to keep focused on the fact of Christmas not being about those things, but that's easier said than done.

Wednesday 11 December 2013

Wait on God alone in stillness

"Wait on God alone in stillness, O my soul; for in him is my hope."
Psalm 62:5

I was thinking today about how the ward will be at Christmas- which patients are likely to be in, how poorly they'll be. The nature of our speciality means it's unusual for patients to be allowed out. There's a massive disappointment for people who realise they'll be in hospital for Christmas, and in our case knowing they're having treatment that will make them ill before they get better. Christmas is still very much a time for families and togetherness, anything that interferes with that- even something that might ultimately save their life- is regarded with disdain.
Whether I'm working or not (and I am this year) I try to give a few moments on Christmas day to be thankful for my health, and my families health, and to say a prayer for all those who are apart from their loved ones because they're ill, and for those who are caring for them.

Tuesday 10 December 2013

This is the way, walk in it

"your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’"
Isaiah 30:21

We're nearly half way through Advent now, Christmas day feels ever nearer, and I'm beginning to assess how I'm getting on preparing for it. The conclusions depend upon what measures I'm using.
If I'm looking as physical readiness things are a bit patchy. I have some festive food in the cupboards, after tomorrow all presents should be bought, but there's not so much as a bauble in our house and I've not written a single card yet. The house, as ever, is a mess.
In terms of church and my ordination training I've all but finished my assignment, many of the services I had responsibilities at are done and I just have some prayers to write for this coming Sunday.
What about my spiritual readiness? That was, after all, the point of my daily blogging. I'm pretty much on track with daily bible readings, and I'm nowhere near mental meltdown (watch this space- it's not Advent without it...). Mostly I'm trying the heed the words at the top of today's blog, to discern that voice and hear which way it wants to lead me.

Monday 9 December 2013

The desert shall rejoice and blossom

I managed to freak everyone out by working a rare early shift this morning, the reason being that we had a service of Wholeness and Healing at St Michael's tonight. Andrew Bradley (former Christie chaplain) was our guest preacher and his sermon centred around the desert imagery in Isaiah 35:

" The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom like the crocus."

The three images he presented us with also work pretty well for Advent.
Firstly was the image of a journey or travelling. Advent is a journey, whether you're religious or not we're journeying towards Christmas day. For me it's a journey towards meeting Jesus.
Secondly the image of the desert as a chaotic place. I don't know about you but my Advent is always chaotic, usually resulting in a meltdown on around the 20th of December (I meet the bishop that night, so fingers crossed). There's so many things to remember and to do during Advent that it often feels like it's getting away from us.
Thirdly and finally the image of the desert as a baron place where nothing flourishes. All our efforts during Advent can feel fruitless as we strive towards creating a perfect and special day, and we beat ourselves up over not getting things "right".
I don't believe there is a perfect Christmas. I think it's our own attitude towards Christmas and making the most of the small things that can make it truly magical. Isaiah tells us the desert will blossom, for me that will happen if I realise Jesus loves and accepts me the way I am- the journey I'm taking, my chaos and even the ways in which I'm fruitless. He knows all this about me, and he loves me anyway.

Sunday 8 December 2013

Mostly filler

I had Sundays off blogging during Lent, so instead of my waffle here's a lovely photee of my daughter meeting Father Christmas yesterday.

Saturday 7 December 2013

Like treasure hidden in a field

It's been a lovely day of Christmas fairs and shopping for presents, then our first Christmas party with my husband's colleagues- our first Christmas party in 2 years as we couldn't make any last year!
We queued for an extraordinarily long time with Faith at the local garden centre to meet Father Christmas- and what a Father Christmas he was! We all agreed he had to be the real one.
It's so lovely that at nearly 10 she still believes- to see the wonder in her eyes as she chatted with him. What a precious memory. I want to approach Christmas with the same wide eyed innocence- to cast off my cynicism and fully embrace the joy and wonderment- to come to Jesus with a child like faith and discover the treasure of his kingdom.

Friday 6 December 2013

The righteous will shine like the sun

Very brief tonight as I'm falling asleep! I read a lot about Nelson Mandela today following the news of his death. He was a very great man but the articles I've read were very balanced and didn't gloss over the things he was criticised for or that are difficult to accept due to the mythology which has grown up around him.

The same can be said of Jesus- we think of him as the prince of peace, but some of what is written in the gospels is not so cuddly and nice, particularly Matthew where we find ourselves this Advent. Today's morning prayer reading concerned the weeds being thrown into the furnace- really glad not to be preaching on that one! To fully prepare for Jesus' birth I have to accept that he did not remain a helpless baby. He grew up to fulfil a ministry, which ultimately ended in his death. He upset people- a lot- otherwise they wouldn't have wanted him dead.
Yet, even with this knowledge, when I gaze into the stable I still see love, innocence and hope.

Thursday 5 December 2013

Revelling, drunkenness, debauchery, licentiousness, quarreling and jealousy

The above might be your idea of a really good Christmas party! It's part of Paul's letter to the Romans where he says:

" Let us then lay aside the works of darkness and put on the armour of light; let us live honorably as in the day, not in revelling and drunkenness, not in debauchery and licentiousness, not in quarreling and jealousy."

I jokingly made reference to it in my sermon last weekend- that if the soaps are to be believed that is exactly what we might think Christmas is about. The reading was repeated at this morning's communion service, and it struck me that with all those marvellous words I wasn't really thinking about the light and dark imagery.
Christmas is full of light and lights. We put lights on EVERYTHING! We light up all the dark spaces, and put tinsel on them too. At Christingle services we emphasise the candle in the orange representing Jesus, the light of the world. A lot of people can't accept that, and find it easier to fill up the dark spaces, and this dark time of year, with partying instead.
I do intend to party this Christmas (in my own chilled out kind of way), but it's because of the joy that celebrating Jesus' birth brings me- and I want to share that joy!

Wednesday 4 December 2013

Let them sing out their joy for ever.

Psalm 5:12
"But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them sing out their joy for ever."

Taking Lucy for her walk tonight I realised that our road has turned into a Christmas wonderland of twinkling lights- they must think the Grinch lives in our dark little corner, not a family who fully embrace Christmas but are trying to spiritually prepare for it.
The truth is that with working, studying and trying to complete assignments I've not had a moment to think about decorations. I had a day of leave today just to try and catch up on the housework!

The children had their first choir rehearsal this evening, Jacob was a little lost in the technicalities but Faith loved it- seeing how all the different parts of the choir come together. It was a real eye opener for me to see the work and preparation involved to produce our beautiful musical Christmas services- and I felt so proud that my kids were part of that. Music is a massive part of my Advent. The Christmas CD gets it's first airing as soon as we leave church on Advent Sunday, the Christmas songs get loaded onto my ipod, Carols From Kings plays as we decorate the tree and The Lancashire Hotpots Christmas album has to be played on Christmas Day! Joyful music is a wonderful way to praise God- and what's more joyful than Christmas music?!

Tuesday 3 December 2013

Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

"...for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." Matthew 12:37

The above, again, comes from this morning's new testament reading. Strong words from Jesus, reminding us that what we say is incredibly important. 

I was reminded yesterday (thanks Katie) that I swear a lot. It's a terrible habit but I'm a great believer that, sometimes, only a cuss word will do. I often swear for comic effect, or in frustration, but try to avoid it in anger, and I never swear at my hubby! The thing is, the most offensive and hurtful things we say are rarely swear words. It's the off hand comments, the things we haven't thought about before saying and often the things we never meant to say. Words are powerful, as are the ways we say things. 

If our words reflect what is in our hearts, maybe if we try and choose our words carefully what we say will in turn change what is in our hearts? This Advent I will try to think before I speak, in the hope that my words will justify (and not condemn) me. 

Monday 2 December 2013

I desire mercy

Advent Day Two

One of the readings at Morning Prayer today was from Matthew 12, where Jesus echoes Hosea when saying:

But if you had known what this means, “I desire mercy and not sacrifice”, you would not have condemned the guiltless.

It made me think about how I could maybe try and be more "merciful" through Advent. We're a very strange sort of people. If someone is off with us, or not as friendly as we'd expect, instead of thinking "are they ok?" We seem to jump to asking "what's their problem?!"
As joyful and joyous as Christmas can be it's also a season that can bring worry, loneliness, debt, stress and bad memories. One thing I will try to do this Advent is not jump to conclusions or take it personally if I encounter people who are grumpy or a bit off with me- none of us knows the problems and struggles of the people we casually meet each day. They may just be a grumpy toad, or they may be in need of a bit of compassion.

Sunday 1 December 2013

And With Fear And Trembling Stand

Well I threatened to blog all through Advent so here goes...
Today was a day of new beginnings in so many ways- the first day of December, the first day of Advent and a new year in the church calendar. It was also my first proper sermon, and I was terrified!
Luckily rescue remedy and lots of friendly faces peering back at me meant I got through it and people said very kind and lovely things afterwards.
But...after so much time preparing for the first day of Advent- I was leading Family Praise too this afternoon- how do I now get myself spiritually prepared for Christmas? I have my first assignment due in on the 18th, intercessions to write for the 15th, the children’s social events and one or two of my own. What time is there- with study, work and family- to get myself spiritually ready to receive Jesus? Today's gospel reading from Matthew reminded us that we must always be ready, and actually Jesus loves us just as we are, which in the circumstances is a good thing!

Thursday 28 November 2013

Is the church a feminist institution?

...I'm actually actually doing it. I'm an ordinand- there, I said it! My word it's...exhausting! With our first two residential weekends done and our week night teaching coming towards the end of the first team it all feels official- and I have clever books, and nice files, and highlighters. But more than that I'm reading, learning, engaging my brain. I'm knackered!
This Sunday I preach my first sermon- Advent Sunday. But by way of preparation and practice each member of my group prepared and presented a 2-3 minute "thought of the day". Here's mine:


I’ve taken a lot of interest in the last few months of the “Everyday Sexism” campaign. This catalogues instances of sexism experienced by women all over the world on a day-to-day basis. People can use social media sites, especially Twitter, to share their experiences of sexism, harassment and assault. It highlights a problem which is still sadly widespread. The matter-of-factness of some of the occurrences, there acceptance and normalisation in everyday life and the responses of some men when challenged about their behaviour is truly shocking.

With the recent vote on female bishops at General Synod, the role of women in the priesthood is under the spotlight once more. There are many accusations, especially from the media, thrown at the Anglican church of being an archaic and sexist institution. The communion I call myself part of has been accused of institutionalised sexism, dressed up as "legitimate theological difference".

I don’t shy away from calling myself a feminist, and I don’t feel that is at odds with my Christian faith. Theologian and feminist Vicky Beeching argues the view point that Jesus himself was very much a feminist. Her points include
·       His refusal to bow to cultural stigmas in an era when women were uneducated, had no legally valid voice and were essentially property.
·       He talked freely with women and encouraged theological study.
·       He chose Mary to deliver the message of his resurrection.

Feminism is a much misunderstood word, and seems to conjure up many negative images. Many strong and pioneering women have felt the need to say “but I’m not a feminist”, as if it were something damaging to our gender. But Feminism is quite simply the belief in total equality, dignity and value for women. By that definition I’d like to think that most of us could call ourselves feminists, and that hopefully the church could too.

Thursday 18 July 2013

The Next Step

As most of my friends and family will know by now, the outcome of my BAP was that I have been recommended for ordination training. As the bishop, and others, have been keen to point out, this is not a recommendation for the priesthood,  but to begin training for the priesthood. Nothing is set in stone until the bishop lays his hands on my head and says the magic words...which seems both a long way away and yet I'm sure, with everything that will happen in the next 3 years, will soon be upon us.
The next two months, besides the more obvious preparation and pre course learning, will probably be spent trying to explain what a Minister in Secular Employment, or MSE is. What follows is a transcript of an article I've written for the church magazine. More info can be found here:
http://www.chrism.org.uk/
http://www.manchester.anglican.org/resources-for-ministers/mse

"Many of you will have heard by now, either from myself, word of mouth, or Vicky, that I've been accepted for training in ordained ministry. What you might be unfamiliar with is the ministry for which I'm being prepared.
You may know me as Mike's wife, or Judith's daughter. Those of you with young families may know me as a worship leader at Peewits or Family Praise. I also coordinate the Wholeness and Healing Ministry Team and have been a member of PCC for many years. In the secular world I am a nursing sister at Christie Hospital, caring for patients who are undergoing high dose chemotherapy and stem cell transplants. For the last two years what I've been trying to discern is whether I also had a priestly calling alongside my vocation as a nurse.
Ministers in Secular Employment, or MSEs, exercise an ordained ministry primarily in their place of work. You continue to do your payed employment but alongside this you bring a priestly presence to your workplace, which can manifest itself in all manner of ways- it is very much a ministry of readiness, and of being a very public Christian.
The patients I care for are almost always nursed in isolation, due to weak immune systems leaving them very vulnerable to infection. Their hospital stays are usually for several weeks, or even months. Helping them to live out their spiritual lives in an environment which can impair their sense of 'self' is central to my ministry, but there is also the opportunity to care for their families and my colleagues. My training has been welcomed by both the ward and chaplaincy team at The Christie!
Whilst the role of MSE is primarily linked to your payed profession it is a dual ministry shared with your parish church. This means I eventually will, God willing, be licensed to serve as a priest here at St Michael's as well. The training is Part time, but (as the university prospectus keeps reminding me) not spare time! I will be expected to study for about 15 hours a week on top of one evening at university and working full time. I ask for your prayers and your patience, and to share in my journey over the next three years- and beyond! I would also ask you to keep Faith, Jacob and Mike in your prayers. Additional time apart will be tough for us all, but we as a family believe this is God's will for our lives, and whilst there may be hard work ahead it will also be a very big adventure. I hold very close to my heart the words from psalm 37, verses 23-24: "Our steps are made firm by the Lord, when he delights in our way; though we stumble, we shall not fall headlong, for the Lord holds us by the hand." "

Saturday 22 June 2013

Post BAP blues

I was up until one o'clock this morning reading other peoples BAP blogs, and continuing to over analyse my experiences. When I mentioned this to Mikey he asked if I'd written a blog about the BAP, and that it might help...so here goes.
The BAP, or Bishop's Advisory Panel, is a Church of England ministry selection conference where folks who've been exploring a calling to ordained ministry go for the final assessment on whether they are ready to start training. It's a two and a bit day residential retreat. Folks who get to this stage may have been exploring their calling for years and have seen all sorts of advisers within their own diocese. The minimum amount of time folks have been in the system is twelve months, at a push.
For me it was as follows: at the start of last year, after over a year of talking to Vicky at St Michael's, she supported my application to explore ordained ministry with the DDO (diocesan director of ordinands), in my case the assistant DDO Angie. I met with Angie, wrote a written reflection for her, and she sent me off to see two vocations advisers- one a priest and one a lay person. They collaborated on a report about me. Angie was happy with this so I was asked to complete the extensive BAP application forms and see an examining chaplain, who is checking the conclusions the previous folks have come to.
This entire process took twelvish months and I was booked on a June BAP.
Before your panel, as well as the application forms, you are asked to write another reflection. This, along with your forms and reports, and four to five references (occupational, educational, lay & clergy) go to the three folks who'll be assessing you about six weeks in advance.
Basically they know a lot about you beforehand!

At the BAP you do a prepared presentation, after which you lead a discussion, you do a timed written Q&A about yourself, you write a letter on a complex pastoral issue and you are interviewed by each advisor (educational, vocational and pastoral). There's also fellowship and worship. There were sixteen candidates at my panel, split into two groups of eight. We were diverse in terms of age, gender, region, background and churchmanship but everyone I encountered was unique, interesting, faithful and supportive.

So...how'd it go? It's such a unique and intense experience and as yet I do not know the outcome (five to fourteen day wait, but as I meet with Angie on the 28th I'll know then if not before). It's hard to fully reflect without knowing the outcome.
Presentation: I used a traditional stand-behind-the-lecturn delivery, reading from my notes but trying to make eye contact and engage folks. Loosely I was steering the discussion towards the inclusivity of children in all aspects of worship. You have to summarise the discussion. I wasn't amazing at this but I was ok. I'd had the benefit, and downside, of experiencing everyone elses talks and discussion as drawing the eight of clubs card meant I was last to go!
You're also assessed on your contributions to everyone else's discussions. I struggled with this as my peers came across as so thoughtful, intelligent and considered. I felt unable to offer the intelligent insights they were offering up but I did contribute.

Pastoral exercise: we've been asked not to give away details of this as they reuse scenarios. We had to write a letter in a complex moral/ethical situation. I think the purpose was to demonstrate empathy and sensitivity, which I think I did ok.

Educational interview: my first and worst! There are nine selection criteria, the educational advisor is interested in Quality of Mind, Mission and Evangelism and Faith. This was incredibly challenging. Many of the questions were mission focused but I think I also managed to misquote scripture, forget important books I'd read and point out my shocking memory. Go Fi. I did manage to get across my view that a church which is inward looking is no church and our mission should be to find the need in the community around us.

The above, coupled with unfamiliar liturgies in worship meant I felt pretty mixed up by Tuesday night. I woke up about five am on Wednesday and decided my pastoral letter was done, emailing it off at six am.
To help myself settle into the second day of interviews I felt like I needed to do something 'normal', so I went out to the beautiful garden to say morning prayer, as I would at home. This seemed to do the trick.

Vocational meeting: this is considered the most important. It explores Vocation, ministry within the Church of England and Spirituality. I feel very secure in these three areas and believe this was my strongest interview. I felt able to communicate my very specific calling to workplace based ministry, my love of the Anglican church and what sustains me spiritually. When asked about challenges facing the church I felt my answers regarding equality of sexuality and gender were predictable but they are the ones foremost in my mind.
I felt absolutely elated after the interview and hugged everyone who stepped in my path!

Pastoral interview: this was my shortest but also very enjoyable. I have worried since that I may have come across as too confident, hopefully this wasn't the case. I felt very passionate and tried to emphasise my nursing vocation as one of service and sacrifice. Hopefully my passion didn't translate as arrogance. We focused on Relationships, Leadership & Collaboration and Personality & Character. The lovely adviser said the reason why the interview was a bit shorter was because my nursing career had informed her about a lot of pastoral issues. They also wish to know your abilities for coping with stress and if you've experienced personal difficulties. Here we spoke about the things I've experienced as a nurse and also the personal issues I believe God has helped me through such as Maureen's illness and death and Anna's gender reassignment. 

So there it is. I think I presented them with a reasonable picture of what I am and what I'm not. By now the decision is made, so whether they think my slightly unique calling to MSE is a valid one, and if so if I'm ready to train, all will have been revealed by this time next week.

Friday 14 June 2013

Off to the BAP I go...

As my head is full of all sorts and everything with my BAP next week I thought I'd share my presentation with you:
I’ve chosen to talk about children’s spirituality in relation to the ministry of Wholeness and Healing and how my feelings about this have changed over the years.
Over the last 10 years we’ve developed a very strong Wholeness and Healing ministry in my parish. I joined the team as a new parent, mostly involved in children’s worship so it was lovely to do something ‘for the grown ups’. The services were quiet, prayerful and poorly attended. I would never have taken one of my children the service- they may disturb someone, and they were too little to understand. We decided to take the ministry to the heart of the congregation- Sunday Morning Holy Communion. It was slow to start but over the years the number of people who come forward to receive prayer, with laying on of hands, and anointing with oil has grown and grown, as has the understanding and acceptance of the ministry.
So where did the children fit into this? When I joined the team I had a baby daughter, my son followed 2 years later. When my daughter joined Sunday school she would go up for her blessing and then if it was a healing service she would come and stand with me where I was praying and laying on hands. After a while she wanted the prayer and anointing herself. Next time she brought a friend. Over time, we were getting more and more Sunday school children coming up. It felt very natural, and an indication of how well integrated the ministry is.
This seemed fine for a service where we’d usually expect children, but I didn’t take my children to other healing events or services.
I rethought my ideas after attending a healing Eucharist at Manchester Cathedral last year. I think that week we may have used up all our babysitting points with my parents, so after speaking with my friend, who’s a priest and was taking her own daughters with her, I decided, rather nervously, to take the children with me. There is after all the children’s corner at the cathedral. There was quite a number of children there, which made me more relaxed...but there was no children’s corner- everything was tidied away- the cathedral seemed to share my earlier view that this was just for the grown ups!
I started thinking- why had I, and clearly others, felt this ministry wasn’t for children? Jesus told the disciples: "Cure the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons." He never said “just the adults”, but he
did say “Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them” (Matthew 19:14, Luke 18:16). Jesus chose to perform one of his most amazing miracles- the raising from the dead of Jairus’ daughter- on a child.
Do we think it’s too complex? Or do we worry what their expectations may be- miraculous physical healings are, as we all know, rare.
My work as an oncology nurse reveals not only that children themselves are in need of physical healing but also how strongly they wish to intercede for sick loved ones. As a parent I have observed my children’s need to feel “whole”- I’ve often been through heart breaking sadness of holding a tearful child who just “feels sad for no reason”.
Dr Rebecca Nye (“Children’s Spirituality”) has written how our unintentional ‘dumbing down’ of practices may "unintentionally betray a lack of trust in God, in the Christian faith or in the children themselves. This damages the children’s trust, harming the future of our mission.
Is it simply my old worry that noisy children may upset or disturb adults? Giving and receiving the ministry is a very intimate experience and can raise powerful emotions.Those of us who’ve attended services with our children know the tutts and looks given when they are being less than angelic- and the embarrassment. God forbid they might disturb anyone suffering real emotional or physical pain.
If I go back to Jesus’ words from Luke “Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs.” Jesus himself tells us we have much to learn from our children. Also we read in Mark 9.47 “Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me welcomes not me but the one who sent me.”
Re-reading the “A Time to Heal” handbook children are briefly mentioned, but where they are it is in a
spirit of inclusivity. It’s taken as read that children are part of this ministry. Yes- quiet, contemplative services may not always be the best place to expose them to it, but we all need the Wholeness and Healing of an intimate and personal relationship with Jesus. When this ministry is part of the ‘norm’ of parish worship children will come, be a part of it and this will in turn, I hope, be part of their worship as they grow and have children of their own.
At the end of this month I’m going to talk to our new youth group and the ministry. I want them to know it’s
a ministry for them. It’s about praying for themselves, intercessing for others, and hoping that we can all achieve that wholeness of being that only comes from knowing God as a father, Jesus as a friend, and The Spirit as a constant companion.
How do you think children relate to this ministry and do you think there are other areas we, however unconsciously, feel are ‘adult only'?
All feedback, criticism and words of encouragement are welcome!

Saturday 25 May 2013

Loving Lucy

Well despite my hopes to blog weekly it seems I've been a bit busy of late. Final preparations for my BAP, plus Mike's ongoing health issues and return to work, have meant little time for reflection. Then there was the decision we took to extend our family- Lucy the beagle arrived just over a week ago and in all honesty we already can't imagine our lives without her- we're head over heels and irreversibly in love with this gentle, sleepy and stinky hound.
Mike and I have had family dogs before we were Married, and as a couple we've had a variety of furry rodents. When we 1st moved in with my mum she had two pooches who sadly have now died. We always knew we'd get a dog one day and now seemed the right time.
Years ago, during my early days on HTU, I nursed a patient through chemo and a transplant. Let's call him Clive (not his real name). The main thing I remembered about Clive was his obsessive love for his dog. Years later he was back for a very brief stay but on this admission I learned that Clive was a very committed Christian. He gave me a copy of a book he'd written all about his dog (now sadly dead) and what he believed his relationship with him revealed about God's love. It was a delightful testimonial.
Now with Lucy in my life I understand what Clive meant. There's something about the unconditional love of a dog, the early morning walks in quiet reflection, the joy they show when you come home and the knowledge that they'll never judge you. A dog loves us as we should love God- with unconditional joy.

Job 12:7-10
But ask the animals, and they will teach you; the birds of the air, and they will tell you; ask the plants of the earth, and they will teach you; and the fish of the sea will declare to you. Who among all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this? In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of every human being.