He will bring us goodness and light

New Year's Eve harnesses so many possibilities- reflecting upon what has been and what might be, wiping the slate clean, planning change. It can cause us to make promises we will not keep or be the catalyst to drawing a line under a painful year and moving on.
For me this new year's eve is just about quality time with my family. This year has had it's ups and downs- my husband's ill health and being accepted as an ordinand. It has brought new challenges and I've learnt an awful lot about myself.
I don't know what the year ahead will hold- a lot of hard work I'm sure- but I won't put too much pressure on myself as I continue to try and balance family, work and ministry.

Bring God's glory to the heart of man

Something that really hits me at this point between Christmas and new year, when many people are back in work for a few days, is the belief that Christmas is done with- all over for another year.
The joy of celebration should encourage us to keep on celebrating as long as we can! In the church there are so many times to be solemn, and so much 'ordinary time' that I love having this joyous time- yes 12 days from Christmas day to Epiphany- but also 40 days from Christmas to Candlemas, which is basically the first week in February. Lent will be here soon enough, abstinence will be on our minds, so eat, drink, feast, celebrate, make merry!! Enjoy Christmas to it's fullest!
I think the problem is- stop me if you've heard this one before- we celebrate too soon. Advent isn't Christmas. My Christmas celebrations kick off on Christmas eve, so I'm not sick of it by the 30th- I've only just started.
Many people find January a miserable slump following the festive period- no chance of that in our house- with 2 major birthdays before we hit twelfth night, then my daughter's birthday on the 11th Jan and mine on the 19th we have multiple opportunities to keep celebrating throughout the extended festive season. Even without these added celebrations, Jesus alone is worth the continued festivities.

Ding dong merrily

No blog Sunday- just some highlights of our Christmas so far.

What I can I give him

I returned to work today after two lovely days with my family. I went with a heavy heart, knowing that with my shift pattern I won't be spending any real time with my family until New Year's Eve on Tuesday. When I got to work I was reminded of something- I love my job. I love it and I feel privileged to do it. It's not easy, in fact in can be incredibly tough, but I honestly don't think I'd really rather be doing anything else. So, today, I want to celebrate doing a job I love.

And to the earth be peace

The post Christmas tiredness has really kicked in today! I was awake really early, and just when I thought I might get back to sleep the kids were awake (the boy and his cousin being rather vocal, the girl playing music on her new iPod).
We then headed off with my brother to MOSI, meeting my cousins there. It was tremendous to see all the children, but by the time I got home I was ready for a power nap!
Today I'm celebrating how lucky I am. I have a great family, loving & generous friends, a house, car, good job and I live in a country that is politically stable, relatively corruption free and isn't subject to massively unstable weather. Watching and reading the news at the moment I feel hugely inadequate and rather guilty. The events in South Sudan, CAR, Syria and Iraq serve as a reminder of my comfortable and safe life. The percentage of us in the world living safe happy lives is greatly outnumbered by those who aren't.  We are so lucky, and I thank God for that. I also ask him what I can do to help those who aren't so lucky. 

O come to us, abide with us.

One thing I want to get across with my festive blog is that my Advent was preparation for, not celebration of, Christmas. I didn't really start to celebrate until midnight mass. The other thing I want to remind people of is that Christmas is not over now it's the 26th of December- it's only just begun. I want to celebrate- for days!! Each day until Epiphany I want to share in what way I've celebrated that day. If I was super keen I'd blog the 40 days up until Candlemas, because Christmas isn't over until then!
Boxing Day is the biggest day in our house- my mum returns from my brother's, with my Bro and his family in tow. Our other parents also join us, we have another feast and exchange gifts. It's a day I've managed to avoid working throughout my career- quite a feat, but I do my fair share elsewhere.
I have to admit that Jesus has been a little out of mind today, after 4 days of spending more time at church than home!  My plan is to spend a few quiet moments in prayer now, before I go to sleep, just being really thankful for all the ways in which I am blessed.

Tidings of comfort and joy

There's several things that have brought me joy today and are worth celebrating this Christmas. Firstly my church family- the joy at Midnight Mass, and in church this morning,  was an utter delight.
Next my work family- 4 of the girls worked a nearly 14 hour day today,  making me feel like a proper slacker on a 4-9!
I also want to celebrate our patients- what an amazing group of people they are.
Finally, and most importantly, I want to celebrate the joy I find in my family. To sum it up here's the message my daughter wrote on her brother's white board this morning:
"To mummy & daddy, If there is one thing we want to snuggle and cuddle it is our family. So let peace and love abide here."

Amen to that.

There is room in my heart for thee

"O come to my heart Lord Jesus, there is room in my heart for thee"

Christingles done, stockings hung, kids in bed, veg prepared, soup made.
These things, of course, are not necessary to welcome Jesus. He just wants us, just as we are.
See you after midnight mass.

All is calm

" Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright"

I'd be lying if I said there hadn't been a few wobbles in the last few days- tiredness, busyness and a bit of childcare stress has all weighed a little heavy on me...and yet, relatively, all is calm.
The first Christingle went well yesterday, then there was the joy of watching my daughter sing with the choir.
The 9 Lessons and Carols service was deeply moving, I was a little teary during the final gospel reading and prayers.
Today I got quite emotional whilst reading this to my husband:
http://agirlcalledjack.com/2013/12/23/love-at-christmas-by-sharon-jaynes/
- knowing I do sometimes send the kids away because I'm cooking, or stress that my house or, basically, I myself am not good enough. Good enough for what I don't know, because all that matters is that we have love, room in our hearts for each other and room in our hearts for Jesus.
I'm almost ready for him.

Descend to us we pray

No proper blog tonight as it's Sunday- even though it's nearly the big day!
So proud of my daughter and all the St Michael's children singing in the choir at tonight's 9 Lessons & Carols concert. 

The church looked beautiful. 

Do not falter

"Do not falter, little donkey, there’s a star ahead. It will guide you, little donkey, to a cattle shed."

Little Donkey is absolutely, positively my most favourite childhood carol. It's the ultimate carol of perseverance- surely everyone that hears it can relate to the little donkey's tale and picture him plodding onwards.
We're so close to Christmas now- it's almost here, the excitement and anticipation (and anxiety and stress!) Will soon pass. I'm ever so tired today and just want to enjoy some time with my family, but like that little donkey I'm plodding onwards.

With the poor, and mean, and lowly

" With the poor, and mean, and lowly,Lived on earth our Saviour holy."

I've had a rather productive day- first day in a long time that's solely been dedicated to tidying and cleaning, then this evening we've attended a Christmas gathering that the new Bishop of Manchester hosted for all Manchester ordinands- all of my year (all five of us!) were there and it was lovely to meet other halves.

The bishop said grace before we ate and part of that prayer was for those who are without the good things we have, and like the words from Once in Royal David's city, a timely reminder that Jesus wasn't born to be a remote ruler, locked in his palace. He was born poor and spent his life ministering to those on the margins of society- the poor, mean, lowly- the broken, rejected and abandoned.

I have no gift to bring

"I have no gift to bring...that's fit to give our king"

I think it's maybe about this time in Advent that I can feel at my most inadequate. Friends put photos on Facebook of their lovely clean, tidy and Christmasified houses, wherever you go you're asked if you're "all ready" and lovely cards come through the door each day.
I don't feel that way as much this year, I'm just accepting that there's things I can't achieve. Of course I wish I were able to do certain things, but I would need to be super human!
When I don't achieve the things I feel I should, when I feel let down by my own shortcomings, I do wonder why on earth God wants me, what do I have to offer? Maybe part of it is simply the willingness to do what he asks of me, and that includes sacrificing what some might think of as a "normal" Christmas, although as a nurse that's not new!
This year as well as working on Christmas day I'll be spending more time than ever in church, and my family may feel they're last on the list again. I hope I can find the right balance, and if not I hope I'm forgiven!

Come and worship

"Come and worship, Come and worship,Worship Christ, the newborn King!"

With only a week to go until Christmas day I've decided to reflect a little upon my favourite Christmas carols. Anyone who has worked a shift with me over the past 3 weeks will know how much I love Christmas music!
The lyric at the top of the post is from Angels from the Realms of Glory which I think is beautiful, joyful and calls us all to worship Christ our king. It's really upbeat and just what I needed to cheer me up this afternoon- I felt tired, achey and just a bit broken today, but a few hours at work (I love my job- the patients are just so tremendous) and a few carols helped me to find my mojo again.
I've got 2 days at home now to tidy, clean and Christmasify our home, so hoping my energy levels stay up! A lovely Christmas lunch with my colleagues tomorrow might help!

Get up and do not be afraid

I learned something very interesting from Vicky's sermon last Sunday- in the Bible the words "do not be afraid" appear 365 times, once for every day of the year- how amazing is that?!
There's so many things that we fear it can really get in the way of living the abundant life Jesus wishes us to.
By this stage in Advent I've usually lost the plot completely- overwhelmed by anxiety preparing gifts, shopping, baking, cleaning. Despite fearing that my wobble was coming last week and being busier than ever I feel relatively chilled out. There's a small undercurrent of anxiety- not many cards written, no decorations up and the house is a mess- but it's all manageable. Whatever I can do will be done, and what I can't...well those who love me will understand, and after all I'm trying to emphasise that those superficial things aren't at the heart of Christmas. Maybe that's why I'm so calm- for once I can only focus on Jesus as I've no time for anything else!

But who do you say I am?

We all know the Christmas story, baby Jesus born in a stable, and what a fantastic story it is. To many it remains that- just a story, or Jesus remains that innocent baby- or grows up the be the peaceful "anglo-saxon hippie" as Eddie Izzard called him.
To those, like me, who identify as a Christian, we know that the saviour we are waiting for isn't the innocent baby, or the gentle man, but he's so much more. At times Jesus was far from peaceful- angry, tormented, exasperated. This is the Jesus I want- who challenges me, causes me to examine myself, and leaves me with no choice but to follow wherever he leads me.

10 days to go...

Sundays off blogging, so here's something adorable instead...

Strengthen the weak hands and make firm the feeble knees.

I was so tired when my alarm went off this morning that I didn't know how I would get through nearly 14 hours at work, but get through it I did and came home feeling like I'd done a good job. I found reserves where I didn't think there were any.
Getting ready for Christmas can be like that- the thought of all that needs to be done can be so overwhelming, but then I find myself in the middle of it, coping...then it's all over and I feel like in the circumstances I've done ok.
Yet coping and getting through it doesn't somehow fit with what I want from Christmas this year. I want to encounter God, through experiencing the incarnation of his son- to meet my Lord in helpless human form. This can seem like an impossible task but I think the key might be simplicity. We've made Christmas so big, so complicated and invested so much in this one day. I want to strip it back to the simplicity of sharing love with my family and friends and taking time to worship God.

In the day of my distress I will call upon you

"In the day of my distress I will call upon you, for you will answer me".
Psalm 86:7

So this time yesterday I thought I was headed straight into my pre-Christmas wobble, but it seems not. Today I spent quality time with my husband- a rare treat, and one that I think has done both of us good. With work, the kids, my training, Mike soon to start ALM training and then Christmas preparations it's incredibly easy to neglect each other. Spending time together, away from the children and away from home is important, as is family time.
I've been willing to give up so much of myself to God, and to my job, that the family can sometimes feel like they're third best. Balance can be hard to find. I'm so lucky that my family understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, and incredibly blessed to have their love and support.

He has delivered me out of all my trouble

It was my last night at college for 3 weeks tonight and I think I'll be grateful for the break! My assignment is pretty much done, and I'm tired. My Advent meltdown still hasn't arrived, but it's looming- starting the feel the pressure of needing to write cards, tidy the house, put up decorations and make Christmas treats.
I need to keep focused on the fact of Christmas not being about those things, but that's easier said than done.

Wait on God alone in stillness

"Wait on God alone in stillness, O my soul; for in him is my hope."
Psalm 62:5

I was thinking today about how the ward will be at Christmas- which patients are likely to be in, how poorly they'll be. The nature of our speciality means it's unusual for patients to be allowed out. There's a massive disappointment for people who realise they'll be in hospital for Christmas, and in our case knowing they're having treatment that will make them ill before they get better. Christmas is still very much a time for families and togetherness, anything that interferes with that- even something that might ultimately save their life- is regarded with disdain.
Whether I'm working or not (and I am this year) I try to give a few moments on Christmas day to be thankful for my health, and my families health, and to say a prayer for all those who are apart from their loved ones because they're ill, and for those who are caring for them.

This is the way, walk in it

"your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’"
Isaiah 30:21

We're nearly half way through Advent now, Christmas day feels ever nearer, and I'm beginning to assess how I'm getting on preparing for it. The conclusions depend upon what measures I'm using.
If I'm looking as physical readiness things are a bit patchy. I have some festive food in the cupboards, after tomorrow all presents should be bought, but there's not so much as a bauble in our house and I've not written a single card yet. The house, as ever, is a mess.
In terms of church and my ordination training I've all but finished my assignment, many of the services I had responsibilities at are done and I just have some prayers to write for this coming Sunday.
What about my spiritual readiness? That was, after all, the point of my daily blogging. I'm pretty much on track with daily bible readings, and I'm nowhere near mental meltdown (watch this space- it's not Advent without it...). Mostly I'm trying the heed the words at the top of today's blog, to discern that voice and hear which way it wants to lead me.

The desert shall rejoice and blossom

I managed to freak everyone out by working a rare early shift this morning, the reason being that we had a service of Wholeness and Healing at St Michael's tonight. Andrew Bradley (former Christie chaplain) was our guest preacher and his sermon centred around the desert imagery in Isaiah 35:

" The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom like the crocus."

The three images he presented us with also work pretty well for Advent.
Firstly was the image of a journey or travelling. Advent is a journey, whether you're religious or not we're journeying towards Christmas day. For me it's a journey towards meeting Jesus.
Secondly the image of the desert as a chaotic place. I don't know about you but my Advent is always chaotic, usually resulting in a meltdown on around the 20th of December (I meet the bishop that night, so fingers crossed). There's so many things to remember and to do during Advent that it often feels like it's getting away from us.
Thirdly and finally the image of the desert as a baron place where nothing flourishes. All our efforts during Advent can feel fruitless as we strive towards creating a perfect and special day, and we beat ourselves up over not getting things "right".
I don't believe there is a perfect Christmas. I think it's our own attitude towards Christmas and making the most of the small things that can make it truly magical. Isaiah tells us the desert will blossom, for me that will happen if I realise Jesus loves and accepts me the way I am- the journey I'm taking, my chaos and even the ways in which I'm fruitless. He knows all this about me, and he loves me anyway.

Mostly filler

I had Sundays off blogging during Lent, so instead of my waffle here's a lovely photee of my daughter meeting Father Christmas yesterday.

Like treasure hidden in a field

It's been a lovely day of Christmas fairs and shopping for presents, then our first Christmas party with my husband's colleagues- our first Christmas party in 2 years as we couldn't make any last year!
We queued for an extraordinarily long time with Faith at the local garden centre to meet Father Christmas- and what a Father Christmas he was! We all agreed he had to be the real one.
It's so lovely that at nearly 10 she still believes- to see the wonder in her eyes as she chatted with him. What a precious memory. I want to approach Christmas with the same wide eyed innocence- to cast off my cynicism and fully embrace the joy and wonderment- to come to Jesus with a child like faith and discover the treasure of his kingdom.

The righteous will shine like the sun

Very brief tonight as I'm falling asleep! I read a lot about Nelson Mandela today following the news of his death. He was a very great man but the articles I've read were very balanced and didn't gloss over the things he was criticised for or that are difficult to accept due to the mythology which has grown up around him.

The same can be said of Jesus- we think of him as the prince of peace, but some of what is written in the gospels is not so cuddly and nice, particularly Matthew where we find ourselves this Advent. Today's morning prayer reading concerned the weeds being thrown into the furnace- really glad not to be preaching on that one! To fully prepare for Jesus' birth I have to accept that he did not remain a helpless baby. He grew up to fulfil a ministry, which ultimately ended in his death. He upset people- a lot- otherwise they wouldn't have wanted him dead.
Yet, even with this knowledge, when I gaze into the stable I still see love, innocence and hope.

Revelling, drunkenness, debauchery, licentiousness, quarreling and jealousy

The above might be your idea of a really good Christmas party! It's part of Paul's letter to the Romans where he says:

" Let us then lay aside the works of darkness and put on the armour of light; let us live honorably as in the day, not in revelling and drunkenness, not in debauchery and licentiousness, not in quarreling and jealousy."

I jokingly made reference to it in my sermon last weekend- that if the soaps are to be believed that is exactly what we might think Christmas is about. The reading was repeated at this morning's communion service, and it struck me that with all those marvellous words I wasn't really thinking about the light and dark imagery.
Christmas is full of light and lights. We put lights on EVERYTHING! We light up all the dark spaces, and put tinsel on them too. At Christingle services we emphasise the candle in the orange representing Jesus, the light of the world. A lot of people can't accept that, and find it easier to fill up the dark spaces, and this dark time of year, with partying instead.
I do intend to party this Christmas (in my own chilled out kind of way), but it's because of the joy that celebrating Jesus' birth brings me- and I want to share that joy!

Let them sing out their joy for ever.

Psalm 5:12
"But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them sing out their joy for ever."

Taking Lucy for her walk tonight I realised that our road has turned into a Christmas wonderland of twinkling lights- they must think the Grinch lives in our dark little corner, not a family who fully embrace Christmas but are trying to spiritually prepare for it.
The truth is that with working, studying and trying to complete assignments I've not had a moment to think about decorations. I had a day of leave today just to try and catch up on the housework!

The children had their first choir rehearsal this evening, Jacob was a little lost in the technicalities but Faith loved it- seeing how all the different parts of the choir come together. It was a real eye opener for me to see the work and preparation involved to produce our beautiful musical Christmas services- and I felt so proud that my kids were part of that. Music is a massive part of my Advent. The Christmas CD gets it's first airing as soon as we leave church on Advent Sunday, the Christmas songs get loaded onto my ipod, Carols From Kings plays as we decorate the tree and The Lancashire Hotpots Christmas album has to be played on Christmas Day! Joyful music is a wonderful way to praise God- and what's more joyful than Christmas music?!

Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

"...for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." Matthew 12:37

The above, again, comes from this morning's new testament reading. Strong words from Jesus, reminding us that what we say is incredibly important. 

I was reminded yesterday (thanks Katie) that I swear a lot. It's a terrible habit but I'm a great believer that, sometimes, only a cuss word will do. I often swear for comic effect, or in frustration, but try to avoid it in anger, and I never swear at my hubby! The thing is, the most offensive and hurtful things we say are rarely swear words. It's the off hand comments, the things we haven't thought about before saying and often the things we never meant to say. Words are powerful, as are the ways we say things. 

If our words reflect what is in our hearts, maybe if we try and choose our words carefully what we say will in turn change what is in our hearts? This Advent I will try to think before I speak, in the hope that my words will justify (and not condemn) me. 

I desire mercy

Advent Day Two

One of the readings at Morning Prayer today was from Matthew 12, where Jesus echoes Hosea when saying:

But if you had known what this means, “I desire mercy and not sacrifice”, you would not have condemned the guiltless.

It made me think about how I could maybe try and be more "merciful" through Advent. We're a very strange sort of people. If someone is off with us, or not as friendly as we'd expect, instead of thinking "are they ok?" We seem to jump to asking "what's their problem?!"
As joyful and joyous as Christmas can be it's also a season that can bring worry, loneliness, debt, stress and bad memories. One thing I will try to do this Advent is not jump to conclusions or take it personally if I encounter people who are grumpy or a bit off with me- none of us knows the problems and struggles of the people we casually meet each day. They may just be a grumpy toad, or they may be in need of a bit of compassion.

And With Fear And Trembling Stand

Well I threatened to blog all through Advent so here goes...
Today was a day of new beginnings in so many ways- the first day of December, the first day of Advent and a new year in the church calendar. It was also my first proper sermon, and I was terrified!
Luckily rescue remedy and lots of friendly faces peering back at me meant I got through it and people said very kind and lovely things afterwards.
But...after so much time preparing for the first day of Advent- I was leading Family Praise too this afternoon- how do I now get myself spiritually prepared for Christmas? I have my first assignment due in on the 18th, intercessions to write for the 15th, the children’s social events and one or two of my own. What time is there- with study, work and family- to get myself spiritually ready to receive Jesus? Today's gospel reading from Matthew reminded us that we must always be ready, and actually Jesus loves us just as we are, which in the circumstances is a good thing!